'Which part have you moved from?' The sales person asked.
'India, just a couple of months back.' I replied.
'Oh is it, I thought you both moved from some other part of US as you speak very well.' He said with a big smile.
'Thank you!'
'I have an Indian friend who has gone home for choosing a girl for himself. His mum has selected five girls for him, and he has to choose whom he will get married to. How funny can that be? Though he is a lucky guy. I wish I had five to choose from.' He giggled. 'Is it actually true that parents decide a partner for their children back there and it is like a final verdict?' He asked us.
'Love marriages are quite common, so are arranged ones. Of course you got to meet the girl/guy, spend time and if there is a click then go ahead with marriage preparations. It's totally on the discretion of the two people who are involved in. It's not that bad as it sounds like (chuckled). I see an engagement ring, how did you meet your girl? Tarunn said in a light mood.
'I met her at a party and from then there was no looking back. Yeah, I agree there is always a click. I still remember that day. Seeing you guys I believe arranged love can be good, you make a great couple.' He smiled.
Something about the conversation made me think how West foresees arranged marriage set up.
How is it perceived!
Western media also depicts arranged marriage in a very orthodox way. It looks like a tableau from hinterland, ages backward in thinking and maturity. As far as large chunk of Urban India is concerned I don't think there is some kind of pressure from parents to marry a certain person. I agree, to get married is definitely one, where the society is after your life to marry asap, which is not true in West. :) But whom to, that is entirely your say. I know so many people, irrespective of their gender, have had the free will to take their own time to decide life partner for themselves, Openness in regard to multiple meetings as well as meeting multiple people until they found a good match is something I have seen closely.
Can one blindly marry someone his/her parents have chosen?
Only scenario that I can think of where children blindly say yes to parent's choice is when maybe, they have had a heartbroken past relationship where they think they made a mistake and want to trust parents in their judgement. As every theory has few exceptions, I do believe many conservative families coexist and impose coercion on children to marry a certain person. They are being told since childhood to enjoy life and do whatever, but not to take the plunge to marry someone of their choice. It becomes kind of a status thing for such parents to say out loud publicly with pride, 'My son respects my decision, it is final word for him!' However, such cases cannot define the entire concept of arrange marriage.
How about intercaste marriages?
Upbringing of a child and family values play a major role in the mindset. I proudly say to everyone that my family is open to arranged intercaste marriages. Isn't it cool! Intercaste marriages have never been popular in India. It was treated as something alien. Though there is a certain sense of acceptance developing in this context as well. A perfect match is not only one who is from your own community, it can be someone born and brought up in a different cultural background as well. Earlier, there were high chances for boy and girl from same caste to be more compatible. In recent times, as we have strong individual identities this has become an obsolete rational. Rather than just cultural stereotype, it is essential to have a partner who understands this and sees you as unique individual with certain likes and dislikes.
On a funny note
There is a very famous joke about marriages- Matching horoscope of guy and girl is good enough, but what about the girl and her mother-in-law? :) In India, marriage is just not about a girl and a guy tying a knot, but everyone should like each other unlike in West. Well, frankly this is a dream scenario and everyone strives to meet the expected expectations. Nonetheless, the fact also remains, you cannot force someone to like anyone. This feature of everything fitting perfectly in a frame is part of both arrange as well as love marriage.
A lot more goes into a marriage
It takes a lot more than just dreamy romantic love shown on screen to pull a marriage. I actually believe no matter how long you know someone, but getting married and living 24/7 together is different dynamics altogether. It requires more than romantic love. Married couples can sink with this thought, how often have you believed that as a couple you have become stronger after marriage? Initially, spark of charm kindle between any couple, followed by chemistry they share. In arranged marriage parents direct the screenplay as they make arrangements for the meeting and in love friends do the trick.
The crux
Honestly, I have a lot of faith in this arranged arrangement. As a teen, I used to think how incredibly awful it is to marry an out an out stranger! I was wrong. Generally couples get good time to know each other, others might get less. But more than that the initial click do exist in both. There are no two views. Surely there is some level of liking that sets the base and there after it is a gradual process to know each other in courtship phase. Sometimes the first meeting is a turner, both hit off well and have the gut feeling that this is the ONE. In some cases after engagement if a couple doesn't think it will work, they can call it off. Precisely, nothing is forced upon anyone!
Either it is arranged love or love that is arranged (in Indian context) everything works good until love is not lost. Love that is just not hormonal, but what a couple develops after marriage. That is long lasting and deep. Though it may not be expressive sometimes, but it is strong enough to make its presence. :) Kudos to all the elders in my family for making me believe in institution of marriage. It's inspiring how truly they are in love with each other even in 70's or 60's. :)
Love or arranged is all a choice. There are choices all the way in life. I know few people who think they could have got a better match for themselves. Honestly, there is no could or would in life! Believe he/she is the one and hold that thought anew. Make most out of your relationship, work on marriage with meaningful love.
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