Home alone

I have been home alone for the last two days and best you can do for yourself is to do things you like the most. Small things that doesn't matter and are not important as well, but are an unspoken part of you. You cherish being callous for a while, when you give it a damn and say just buzz off. Presenting a list of things I did in these days enjoying every bit of it.

• Messing up the house. Okay, maybe just a little because, then I only have to clean it up. Sigh.
• Stock up the other side of the bed with newspapers, novels, magazines, etc. Only using the side table is not that much fun, right.
• Like hands of the clock, I move around anywhere in the bed. Oh I love it so much.
• Not picking up any calls at all. I even told my mom that I’ll be unavailable for two days, hehe. I had a long list of people to catch up with, but surely it can wait is what I thought.
•  Watch chick flicks all by my own. Gosh there is nothing I love more. J They are funny, cute, and full of imperfect characters, make you cry and sometimes just take your heart away. Watching a good movie requires a perfect set up- dim lights and good snacks or food. Popcorn and Chinese being my favourite is definitely a pre-requisite. When something serious is on, I am in slow motion tossing the popcorn in my fingers for a while and then taking titbits. Rolling fork in noodles again and yet again and sometimes even dropping it, surely I am experiencing some intriguing melting moment on screen. When your heart says, "Awwwww". Sometimes having a big happy morsel of popcorn in a damn funny scene and it gets stuck in your food pipe, you are laughing and coughing at the same time. Then, coke comes for your rescue. Since last two days I thoroughly enjoyed watching- Pretty woman, Notting hill, one fine day and Confessions of a shopaholic. All my favourites.
•  I gave an off to my cook. Surely I deserved a treat, cooked Chinese just for me with chimney lights on. You must be thinking what’s different in it. Trust me when I say cooking for yourself, singing all by yourself plus using the Chimney lights that are never used in the kitchen- merely just a show-piece. It’s a big deal.
•  Surprise surprise. J Finally after a very long break I painted. I am no pro, but won’t deny my love to play with colors. Just adds a little flavour of freshness. Plus anything you create definitely just makes you smile as it is special to you.You can click here to view my painting

Worse part of being alone is getting jitters in the night. I am shit scared of staying alone. Being an over imaginative person, each sound I hear in the night makes me think there is something more to it. Balconies and windows are the scariest of all, seems someone is peeping from outside. So, I did a smart move, switched on a light and hit my head on pillow. ‘All is well’ was the mantra for the night. The little voice inside me always knew I won’t catch up any sleep, but was trying hard. Eventually the light I had turned on became the culprit!

In the middle of all these things I do miss him. Being missing out “the let’s do it together things”. Sharing life with someone is surely the best thing you can do to yourself. J But sometimes these little breaks (mind you only little and less frequent) helps in valuing each other more.

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When in doubt...

In doubt and looking for solution? No wonder a long-time of indecisiveness takes a hell of brain storming. Sitting on the fence your heart says one thing and mind just the opposite. Confusion and more confusion.

So in all the yeses and the noes, the highs and the lows, the ifs and buts, you deserve a breather. How? Just treat yourself! Do anything you like, catch any random thought and implement it. No matter how crazy it sounds, how weird it is-just go for it. Take a break.

Listing down few of the things that I have tried to ease myself a bit though I know that it is short-lived. But at-least for sometime my mind is switched off.

When in doubt…Sing aloud: Just sing on the top of your voice. Are you a bathroom singer? Well most of us are but today no matter how off key you sing-just do it. Let your neighbors get bothered. ;) Does it sound like madness, eh? So be it. Try doing it you will feel awesome! Sometimes the insane moments keep you sane!  J

When in doubt…Dance: Turn on the music and show some moves. Choose any style from international to local ones. If dancing is not your forte not a problem. Offbeat random steps would also work as magic. Let loose.

When in doubt….Read: My personal favorites being chick flicks. It just takes you in a different world altogether-a complete new zone. Words are like building blocks creating an aura while reading. Try it. It’s a feel good.

When in doubt…Shop: Here’s a song:

Let’s go to the mall, everybody!

Come on Jessica, come on Tori

Let’s go to the mall, you won’t be sorry

Put on your jelly bracelets

And your cool graffiti coat

At the mall, having fun is what it’s all about

Perfect for girls. J Though personally I am not a shopaholic, but yeah wont deny being a shoe freak (if you haven’t read my earlier blog click here). Generally going to a mall does change your mood. For all of you who love to shop it’s an adrenaline rush!

When in doubt…Hog: Nothing beats this. Hot steamy food tantalizing your taste buds. Treat yourself with a grand dish or a full course meal with exuberant varieties. The texture, the color, the aroma and taste together definitely is a deadly combination comforting major chunk of your senses. Good food always cheers you up.

Above all when in doubt…Just love: Yes, love is the answer to everything. Appreciate what you have. Share and love the ones by your side. Just take a tad bit break. Feel loved. Love makes you feel secure and complete making all the inhibitions fade out. Your family and friends are a key.     

Try these out and I can assure you if not for long maybe only for a moment, but you will feel great. Embracing that thought.
Cheers!

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The little Angel

In the year of 1988, on the 3^rd of Feb a miracle happened! As a four-year old, I was in a hospital walking through the corridor holding my dad’s hand. Sounds ringed in my mind. My heart thumping with excitement. I entered a private room. All known faces smiling. My dad lifted me in his arms and made me sit on a couch.

“Hold her tightly love.” Said my mom.

And there she was cuddling in my lap. She slowly opened her eyes full of innocence, her rosy pink skin radiating and palms folded- she smiled at me. She was my cherubic little sister- Sakshi, the angel!

I exchanged looks with my mom, our eyes smiled. It was a magical moment as my mom had described it to me whenever I had asked her, “Mumma, why don’t I have any brother or sister? In my class everyone has a sibling. It’s so good to see them together.” That was my everyday question to mom. To which she smiled and said, “The magic will happen soon.”

And there she was in my lap. Charming, innocent and beautiful.

“Look she is smiling.” Echoed everyone around.

It was a pure sister’s moment. She gurgled while fluttering her hands. I kissed her forehead and we smiled.

As a kid that memory of holding her in my arms is still so profound and fresh. Feels like time never rolled on. Sometimes I don’t want to come out of that moment. Just flow in it, in all these years I have relived it a zillion times.

Like a breath of fresh air giving solace, she always made me smile. My unspoken words were given a voice and even after being four years younger, she was like my grandmother. I loved her in every ounce of my blood and spent the best days of my life before shockingly losing her in 1996 because of doctor’s negligence. She was just eight.

Few people in your life are a blessing. God wants to reward you for the good deeds you have done in the past. That’s his way to show how happy he is with you! But a blessing sometimes is short-lived, in its outer presence and character. Deep engraved in your heart are the precious memories that you cherish for a lifetime. None can steal that, none can erase. They are yours.

A part of me died with her. They say time is a big healer. They lie. It can never be the same. There is an endless emptiness. Not a single day passes when I don’t think of her. The pain zaps me. I do multiple things to keep myself from remembering her with tears. Sometimes write. Sometimes just make people laugh and laugh with them. Sometimes distribute goodies to the needy kids, seeing them smile heels me for a while. But there are days when the pain hits me hard. Real bad.

Happy Birthday my Little Angel. Hope the cakes up above are too tasty and you remember me in every bite.

Miss you always.

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And the fight began...

”Don’t you think the home is a little messed up, things are scattered all over here and there.” said my husband- a typical cleanliness freak.

“It…It feels like home this way.” I smiled.

“Home?” He echoed incredulously.

“But…” I stared at him blankly. How can he not understand, it’s such a homely feel. I see my presence everywhere! The two coffee mugs on the table indicated we had a chirpy coffee conversation. My top laid on the bed, flaunting itself to be the chosen one for today to be worn by me. ;) The multi-colored junk jewellery elegantly displayed on the dresser since yesterday, oh okay maybe since Sunday – but isn't it adding more color to the room. So in short every corner of the home speaks of my presence. J

He glared at me mutinously, his brows knitted.

Okay, I know this look! Not a very good sign.

“See there in a difference in perspectives here. Your eyes scan it in a different way. You should always find beauty in all the little things around not just see it the other way.” I said in an insightful manner, beaming all the gyan.

He automatically flashed a smile. “In disorganized things…. Are you nuts? How in the world you get such ideas?”

There was a moment of silence. And, then we giggled.

In no time, his expression changed-a more serious look spinning the pen around his thumb.

“It’s a feel good factor if things around are a little tidy. Feels like life is in place, all is good.” He continued calming himself.

I sank down onto a chair, feeling a bit unreal. What… I stared at him uncomprehendingly for a moment. Both of us have a feel good notion in just an opposite way. I curbed my giggles.

“Are you even listening to me, are we on the same page?”

“You are talking as if only my stuff is misplaced. Look around even yours the same.” I said in a melodramatic way, a little nervous at his intensity.

“Oh, really! Let’s check out!

Shit… I was stiff with awkwardness, from where do I get such fancy ideas? I was trapped with no escape. Silly me.

Then he pinpointed all of it. And, the fight began….

After 15-20 minutes of critique we took a break. With a long face I started keeping my stuff to the places they belonged when something funny happened. I discovered a long lost tee (one of my favorites) that I had assumed was misplaced in one of the trips and that too like ages ago, inside my wardrobe. My happiness knew no bounds, I grabbed it. Swiftly with shine in my eyes I showed it to Tarunn.

"Oh my God! Seriously, you found it!" He said totally galvanized.

With a little twist, full of mischievous expressions I said, “That’s what my whole point was. The cool stuff that I have should not be confined to the places less seen, where I cannot admire, cannot feel and appreciate it. It should be here and there sometimes, you know how it is-out of sight is out of mind!

He knuckled his forehead. We exchanged looks and rolled with laughter.

Concluding the blog with a wonderful thought...

That's my mantra! :) What's yours? 

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An ounce of guilt...

Rubbing the palms together, sometimes drumming fingers on the table. The wait gets longer. Hands of the clock not matching up their pace. Time is stuck. Desperate and impatient, I become. Glint in my eyes, I halt with a melting emotion. Unlocking my phone, clicking on various social media apps- I try to distract. Restlessness in my mind, I set off the phone aside and start doodling on a tissue paper. Abstracts that come out of a mind hooked with a daunting thought is a sight to look at. I smile.

Footsteps approach, it comes closer. I watch every step it takes towards me. My senses are active and alive. It’s time for a face-off. Finally, arrives the Devilish character, drizzling with darkness. Luscious and intriguing with a crispy top and molten interior. Doesn't care for a presentation panache yet be so dominating? Saccharine dusted exterior with decadence making me feel weak at knees. I hold up to my armor, but within I know my resistance is sweeping gradually. The power is so invincible. I take the final leap. In the encounter or a confrontation I’m just speechless! It’s ruling the state of gustation. The taste glands are hypnotized, under a spell- a dark one. J

It’s my favorite Choco lava cake. A true ambrosia. Orgasmic, sensational and comforting. Pure lip smacking indulgence. Each bite I take gives a deep sense of satisfaction. My toes tap on the background music that I had turned a deaf ear to. Senses resume back to the activities around me, laughter and talks. My mind palace had buzzed off I suppose, made me so indifferent to the noises around. The tantalizing smells of dark chocolate setting up the mood keeps me captivated. Each morsel of the cake charges cells in my body, making me attentive. Tucked in a corner I keep hogging my sheer piece of joy. J A true chocoholic, deserves the treat her way. Duh, an ounce of guilt full of calories. But who cares, it’s the moment where pleasure surpasses the guilt. ;) 

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Rainbow :)

I was sitting in my balcony, sipping coffee and writing. It started pouring for a few minutes and then it stopped. As the clouds above moved along, rain showers disappeared from where I stood but far-off I could see it was still raining. Bangalore weather plays hide-and-seek all the time. It changes so many moods in a day!

To my delight, a rainbow sparkled in the sky. Whenever I see a rainbow I jump in excitement. The kid inside me awakens. I shouted aloud "yayyyyyyy”. It gives me pleasure, an unbound peace and is a treat for eyes. Nature never fails to show its presence. In fast moving paced life, it compels us to take a pause- admire the beauty of the creation. All the rushing thoughts come to a halt. A simple evening turned ecstatic.  

As a kid I remember, once in drawing class our teacher said, ‘Draw anything you love. Apart from your family and friends something you really like.’

With heads down and full focus everyone picked up their crayons, sketch pens, and pencil colors. In between, heads were also turning left and right to see what others were making. J Some of the kids had even piled two parallel notebooks so that no one could see what they were drawing (thinking that still gives me fits of laughter). Then, our teacher came to check what all we had drawn. Most of the kids had drawn chocolates, doll, pets, G.I. Joe, bat and ball, football, etc. Then she came to my desk.

‘Wow, a rainbow. Why do you like it so much?’ she asked me inquisitively.

I simply replied, ‘Because it has all the colors.’ 

She smiled at me.

Collecting my thoughts, I picked up the camera to capture the beautiful rainbow. By the time I changed the setting and clicked, it faded. Sigh, I couldn't capture the beautiful arch completely. Maybe sometimes the beauty of nature is better seen by naked eyes than through a camera lens.

Just a random thought before wrapping up:

Sometimes it rains on me

And sometimes it rains on you

A share of rainbow all of us get.

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UDAAN

A much acclaimed movie. I recently got a chance to watch it, don’t really know how I had missed watching it earlier. With splendid acting, story line, it’s marked to perfection with a lot to think about. It’s not a movie review that I am writing. I just want to share how disturbed I got by the sole thought of it, ‘the negative shade of parents’. It gives me shudders.

How a strict disciplined father dominates the child. In the most developing years of life where a child learns and imbibes, he has a monster parent. In a claustrophobic life how he becomes all the more rebellious. The strictness of his dad is to the extent that he cannot call him dad, has to refer to him as SIR. There is no warmth in the father and son relationship. His attitude to control, worship discipline and to get regard overpowers his love and care for the child. It highlights the mental turmoil and the slow growing hatred of the child for his father. His obnoxious behavior to get regard from his kid keeps haunting him. He doesn’t understand a simple fact that one cannot forcefully get regard, but has to earn one. With times as children grow parents have to change with them, they cannot carry forward their age old concepts.

After watching the movie, I called up my father and discussed it with him. He described it in such a brilliant way. I’ll like to quote him. ‘Parents and children relationship is like a tree. Kids get their strength from parents when they are in their growing age. They imbibe and constantly learn spoken as well as unspoken things. Parents nourish their children. When parents say, ‘we are with you, just don’t worry.’ It gives power to the kids; they can win the world with such a support. Parents love, care and guidance is like a nutrition that helps in the growth of the kids. For every tree to stand tall and high the roots should be strong and laid down with precision, only then the tree will sustain all kinds of seasons. New branches, new leaves, flowers and fruits all depends on the foundation. A tree can only give shelter when it’s loaded with green leaves, only gives pleasure when laden with fruits and flowers. Life is like a vicious circle, if the roots are not strong, i.e. parents have no role in the development of their kids then when parents grow old even the leaves and branches, i.e. the kids cannot provide shelter and warmth. When kids grow up with a good foundation that is laid down in their childhood, they say, ‘we are with you just don’t worry.’ The beauty of the tree lies in the fact that how nourished it is. Also, it’s the responsibility of the trunk and the roots to give nourishment to the entire leaves, branches, flowers and fruits for the development. It just cannot afford to be attached to single leaf and think to only take care of it, if it happens it is the cause of destruction and the death for the entire tree. ’

How so very well put in simple words. I love having such sessions with my dad. He has the apt example to quote always.

I just loved the end of the movie or the beginning of a new journey, where the kid with his younger stepbrother just takes a fleet, a UDAAN, from the clutches of his rude father. It took a lot of time and events for him to reach the threshold of tolerance and sets himself free.  

So in the end I would like to say everything boils down to the fact that how strong are your roots!

Happy parenting! :)

Stay blessed and keep flourishing.

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